Keeping Your Clunker Operational - A Guide For Cash-Strapped Motorists

Ah, the humble "shitbox" - a car that's somehow simultaneously in a state of operation and disrepair - like a Schrodinger's Cat of mechanical (im)perfection. Every car I've ever owned has been a shitbox - it's a fact I'm not ashamed of. Now, as I've grown a little older, my appreciation for safety has increased too. With a family to take care of, riding in deathtraps isn't as appealing as it once was; I'm trading the Ford Focuses and Toyota Camries for (equally old, but safer) Volvos and Mercedes wagons.

In this article, dear reader, I hope to provide you with the necessary information, know-how, and general mindset to keep YOUR shitbox going for a long, long time. Prior mechanical experience is NOT a must; I've had the opportunity to spend a few years to work as an automotive mechanic, machinist, and small engine restorer, but I can say that most of my knowledge came from the Internet. Knowledge, which I hope to pass onto you, dear reader.

A car is a conglomeration of various components - the best way to think about it is as the sum of its parts. Each of those parts has the potential to break down, and to inevitably wear out - however, there is a certain set of priorities. In my opinion, this list is as follows, in terms of most important, to least important - stopping, structure, going, and pleasantries.

Stopping

Every vehicle is equipped with some means of slowing down - even extreme BMX enthusiasts, who've ditched their brakes for optimal trick performance, still have a brake - the sole of their shoe. Slowing down is the result of one, and only one force - friction. If you can, controllably, and reliably, create friction, you can brake. Your car, assuming it isn't a truck equipped with air brakes, or a 1920s model with wire brakes, uses hydraulics to produce.

Making sure, then, that your brakes are in good shape is absolutely essential for ensuring the relatively safe operation of your automobile. The way that braking force is exerted upon the vehicle is via the wheels - bringing us to the second part of our list of vehicular essentials - the tires.

Make sure that your brake rotors, calipers, lines, fluid, and tires are in serviceable shape. If anything must be neglected, ensure it isn't any of these. Your engine might have a misfire, and your car be full of mold, but if it brakes, you can safely come to a stop.

Fortunately, all of these are fairly easy to service (short of the brake lines). Unfortunately, you should really know what you're doing. If you don't, cough up the cash, and take it to a professional.

Life Hacks

Most modern shops don't have the equipment anymore, but you can actually have a machinist resurface your brake rotors two or three times before they need replacement - that's $15 a rotor, versus $60 if you're buying new ones. You can have all four resurfaced for the price of a single new rotor.

Brake GENTLY - the less you mash on your brakes, the longer they will last. A Ferrari is designed to be driven hard - and then rebuilt every 5,000km at a cost of $100,000. Your shitbox can last for 200,000km if you treat it with CARE!

Going

The engine - the heart of your vehicle. Once that goes, your shitbox, which you presumably paid less than $2,000 for, is as good as toast - a new (used) engine can cost upwards of 800 dollars, even at a scrapyard. Unless you have a garage, engine crane, and possibly a lift to do an engine replacement, as well as the skills to do one, you're better off looking for a new car.

Your transmission is another essential part of your vehicle. Transmissions and engines are the most expensive parts to replace - make sure to baby both. If your transmission is already slipping, don't change the transmission fluid; if it isn't, change it at regular intervals. Do NOT drive hard - while hooning might be quite fun, it will make sure that your transmission has a fast demise.

Life Hacks

If you're shopping for a shitbox, and don't have the highest budget, it might do you some good to look into vehicles with misfires. Often, the cause is either a bad spark plug, or a bad ignition coil. Both can be replacecd inexpensively. Guarantee to pay the full asking price, on the condition that, if you can fix the misfire, they don't raise the price. Half an hour ought to be enough to replace all four spark plugs, and coils.

Oil is ESSENTIAL for older vehicles - as cars get older, oil leaks develop - the engine starts burning oil, or tends to gunk up faster. If you're going to neglect your cooling system, air intake, or anything else, never treat the oil with the same level or carelessness - a well-lubricated engine is a happy engine, and poor lubrication is one of the leading causes of cars being scrapped (other than them rusting to a point where there's more rust than car.)

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